This New York Times feature cleverly captures the struggles adults face when they still deal with stuttering—the mental and everyday challenges that come with it. Watching the video of John Hendrickson really hit home for me. It brought back that deep fear I felt for most of my life whenever I had to speak, especially as a shy kid.

Maybe you never stuttered, but if you were shy growing up, you either grew out of it or still carry some of that social anxiety with you.

Shyness and social anxiety have provided many challenges for many people, myself included. Maybe it’s the nervous hesitation before speaking in a meeting or the awkwardness of small talk at a party. For some, shyness is just an occasional discomfort—an obstacle they push through when necessary. But for others, it can be a pervasive and limiting force.

When does shyness shift from a harmless personality trait to something more serious? And if it’s holding you back, what can you do about it?

What Is Shyness, Really?

Shyness is not the same thing as introversion. Introverts recharge their energy alone and tend to process the world through their thoughts and emotions. Extroverts, on the other hand, get their energy from social interaction.

Shyness, however, is about discomfort in social situations—feeling awkward, anxious, or intensely self-conscious, especially when receiving attention.

You can be shy and still be extroverted. You might crave social interaction but freeze up when it’s time to engage. Others are reserved in unfamiliar settings but warm up once they feel comfortable.

Shyness is More Common Than You Think. 

If you’ve ever felt like the only awkward person in the room, you’re far from alone. Research suggests that shyness is more common than we might think. Studies estimate that 40-50% of American adults consider themselves shy to some degree. While some manage it just fine—they might avoid public speaking but thrive in small social circles. Others, though, find their shyness shaping their entire lives, keeping them from opportunities, relationships, and personal growth. That’s when it becomes a problem.

When Shyness Becomes an Issue

Shyness crosses into concerning territory when it starts to:

• Hurt your career (you don’t speak up, so others take credit for your ideas).
• Limit your relationships (you struggle to make connections and feel lonely).
• Cause mental health struggles (anxiety, depression, or chronic self-doubt).

Let’s break it down further.

Shyness and Substance Abuse

Shy people sometimes use alcohol or drugs as social lubricants—an easy way to silence self-doubt at parties or fit in with a crowd. Research backs this up: a 2021 study found that shy university students were more likely to drink excessively because they worried so much about how others saw them. The more they thought drinking was expected, the more they drank.

 Accepting Unhealthy Relationships

Shy people often let others pick them rather than choosing the right connections for themselves. This can lead to one-sided friendships or toxic relationships where they struggle to speak up or set boundaries. Ever stayed in a bad relationship because confronting the issue felt worse than enduring it? That’s shyness at work.

Holding Back Career Growth

If you hesitate to share ideas in meetings, avoid networking, or let others overshadow you, your career might be suffering from your shyness. Over time, this can lead to missed promotions, financial struggles, and a creeping sense of frustration.

The Link Between Shyness, Anxiety, and Depression

Shyness and low self-esteem go hand in hand. And when you add in stalled career goals and unsatisfying relationships, it’s not surprising that shy people have higher rates of anxiety and depression. One study on university students found a clear connection: the shyer the student, the lower their self-esteem—and the more likely they were to struggle with depressive thoughts.

The Internet Trap

In the digital age, shyness has a new escape hatch: the internet. Social media, gaming, and endless scrolling provide a world where you can interact on your own terms—without the immediate pressure of face-to-face interaction. But for some, this turns into a full-blown addiction. A Chinese study on middle schoolers found that shy kids were significantly more likely to develop an unhealthy dependence on the internet, preferring online interactions over real-life relationships.

Shyness vs. Social Anxiety Disorder

If shyness is so intense that it becomes so overwhelming that it interferes with basic activities—like calling a plumber, ordering food, or attending social events, making phone calls, or even small talk with a cashier—it may be more than just shyness. it could be a full-blown fear response known as social anxiety disorder (SAD).

Social anxiety is a deep, irrational fear of social situations. People with SAD experience intense worry leading up to an event, panic during it, and self-criticism afterward. They often develop physical symptoms like sweating, nausea, or a pounding heart, or stomach cramps.

Some individuals also develop agoraphobia, the fear of situations where escape might be difficult. In extreme cases, this can lead to isolation, with people avoiding any setting where they might have to interact with others.

The good news is social anxiety is highly treatable. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for one, has been proven to be one of the most effective treatments, helping people challenge negative thought patterns and gradually build confidence in social situations.

Why Are Some People Shy?

Is shyness something you’re born with, or does life shape you into it? The answer is both.

A study by developmental psychologist Koraly Pérez-Edgar followed groups of children from age four into adolescence. Some kids were naturally hesitant, avoiding social interaction even when others welcomed them. As they grew, many of these children became habitually shy teenagers.

This 2018 article in The Atlantic questions whether making students do oral presentations is actually harmful. Honestly, I get it—I used to dread those assignments so much I’d think about skipping school just to avoid them.

A Better Approach

For some people, public speaking is a great confidence booster. But for others, it’s pure terror. Instead of just throwing shy students into the deep end, we should take a page from organizations designed for painfully shy people such as Toastmasters: create a low-pressure, supportive environment where they can practice and build confidence before having to present in front of the whole class. That way, they get the benefits without panic.

Factors That Can Lead to Shyness in Adults

1. Overprotective Parenting – Kids need to fail sometimes. If a parent shields them from rejection or embarrassment, they never build resilience. Later in life, they become adults who fear speaking up or taking risks.
2. Bullying or Social Rejection – If you were teased or excluded as a kid, you might have internalized the idea that social situations are risky or painful.
3. Trauma or Major Life Changes – Divorce, job loss, illness—any major disruption can shake someone’s confidence and make them more withdrawn.

Overcoming Shyness

For years, medication was the go-to treatment for social anxiety and extreme shyness. But recent research suggests that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is far more effective.

A study involving 13,164 people with social anxiety found that those who received CBT had better long-term results than those who took medication.

How CBT Helps

CBT works by breaking the cycle of negative thoughts and avoidance behaviors. Shy people often assume they’re being judged, which makes them retreat, which in turn reinforces their belief that they don’t belong. CBT interrupts this spiral by helping people challenge their assumptions and build new social habits.

For example, if a shy person attends a party but doesn’t try to interact, they might later tell themselves, “Nobody wanted to talk to me.” In reality, they didn’t give anyone the chance. CBT helps them see this pattern and take small, structured steps to change it.

Is it Time to Seek Help?

Shyness isn’t a mental illness. But if it’s limiting your life, causing stress, or leading to loneliness and anxiety, it’s worth addressing. Therapy, social skills training, and even small, daily challenges (like initiating short conversations with strangers) can help you break free from its grip.

You don’t have to become the loudest person in the room—just confident enough that shyness doesn’t hold you back from the life you want.