These days, with personality labels and relationship reels everywhere it’s quite tempting to dissect every flaw in a partner:

Are they a narcissist? Do they have avoidant tendencies? Are they just selfish? 

But If you’re already asking these questions, the answer’s probably right in front of you. When someone isn’t showing up in healthy ways, it doesn’t matter whether they’re emotionally unavailable or just not that into you—they’re not here to build with you. And that’s all you need to know.

The most straightfoward and reliable way to know if someone is right for you isn’t by analyzing their behavior but by focusing on how they make you feel. Do you feel safe around them? Are you confident in their love and respect for you? Is their presence steady and consistent, or do they swing between warm and distant? Because inconsistency doesn’t just create confusion, it creates anxiety.

Effort matters, too. Are they meeting you halfway, or does it feel like you’re the one always trying to keep the relationship afloat? 

If you’re afraid to express your real feelings because you’re constantly questioning where you stand, then these are signs you shouldn’t ignore, you’re with someone who isn’t fully invested. The truth is, when someone values you and wants the relationship to thrive, their actions will reflect that. People make time for what they value.

This doesn’t mean every aspect of your relationship will be smooth sailing, no partnership is perfect. But if a relationship doesn’t start out healthy, marriage or time won’t magically fix it. What you need, at the very least, is mutual respect, emotional safety, and the willingness to prioritize each other’s needs.

And even if we can’t control every factor that determines whether a relationship will work out, we can give ourselves the best shot at success. That begins with becoming the kind of person who’s ready for a healthy relationship and choosing someone who’s equally prepared to build one. Let’s talk about how to do that.

It’s The Little Things That Matters

Not everyone is inclined to know this but if you find that you’re not serious about your future with someone, you naturally keep one foot out the door “just in case,” or you always avoid (or hesitate) taking the next big step because you’re not sure if he’s the right person to take that big step with—that’s a clear sign you’re settling.

We’ve all heard the big factors that make a relationship strong: shared values, trust, good communication, just to name a few. But what’s often overlooked is how much personality matters. Traits like kindness, emotional stability, and a good sense of humor are the building blocks of long-term happiness. They create the trust and mutual respect that sustain a relationship—not just through the good times but through the tough ones too.

We don’t fall in love with someone because they’re just attractive. Sure, physical attraction might grab your attention, but it’s not what makes you want to spend a lifetime with someone. You’re drawn to the person who’s steady when life isn’t, who makes you laugh, who remembers the small details.

That said, every person’s personality is unique, everyone has their quirks, and no one is perfect. But something worth paying attention to is how  flexible they are. Can they adapt and compromise? or does every minor inconvenience throw them off? 

If they don’t fall apart every time plans change or something unexpected happens, then that’s a great sign.

This doesn’t mean someone can’t struggle or it’s wrong to feel stressed when things don’t go as planned—we are all wired differently, and that’s okay. But it’s still worth asking yourself whether their temperament complements yours, it’s worth considering how that dynamic might work (or not) in  your relationship. Sometimes, two people’s styles just don’t match, that’s something to pay attention to.

And then there’s gratitude. Do they notice the good in life, or are they stressed that they can’t go a few seconds without complaining? Someone who appreciates the small joys, who takes time to say “thank you” or offer encouragement, is someone who’s naturally inclined toward connection. It’s a green flag when they send you a quick text before your big meeting: “You’re going to crush it today. I’m proud of you.” It’s these tiny moments that build trust and make you feel loved.

The little things matter more than we realize. It’s the way they greet you when you walk through the door, or the way they say goodbye before you leave. It’s the playful inside jokes, the shared laughter, the effort to carve out time for each other even when you’re both busy. It’s doing the dishes and managing other domestic things together even without being asked, remembering their favorite snack, asking about their goals and dreams—and actually listening—these are the essentials. 

These aren’t grand gestures, not extras, or going above and beyond. They’re the basics of a strong relationship. Every relationship expert will tell you the same thing: 

love isn’t built on a foundation of rare, dramatic moments. It’s built everyday. The small acts of kindness and connection. The little things that add up to a lifetime.

Who You Choose to be With Reflects Who You Are

The bottom line is who you choose to build your life with—whether it’s someone you marry, have children with, or simply commit to deeply—says more about you than you realize. This is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make, and they shape everything about your future. That’s why it matters, not just who you choose, but also who you are when you make that choice.

For many of us, the challenge isn’t just finding the right person but recognizing what we’ve been conditioned to see as normal. Some people have never truly experienced trust, safety, or emotional consistency in a relationship. And that familiarity with dysfunction can pull us into unhealthy patterns without us even realizing it.

Let’s be honest, what feels “normal” to you in a relationship? Is it being told that your feelings are too much? Is it always being the one who sacrifices, who works overtime to feel loved? Do you find yourself giving endlessly, yet rarely feeling seen or valued? If this is what you’re used to, it’s easy to mistake it for love.

The truth is, we’re often drawn to what we know, even if it’s harmful. If you’ve internalized the idea that you’re not worthy of unconditional love, you’ll naturally gravitate toward people who reinforce that narrative. You might feel chemistry with partners who neglect you or make you fight for their affection because, on some level, it mirrors what you’ve experienced before.

It gets tricky when we get used to a chaotic version of love, it starts to feel comfortable. Relationships with inconsistency, fights, and dramatic makeups become the norm. One moment they’re all in, the next they’re distant, and somehow, you convince yourself that this is passion or connection. But it’s not.

You deserve better. You deserve someone who meets you halfway, who appreciates and prioritizes you, who shows up consistently. Real love doesn’t come in breadcrumbs or leave you second-guessing. It feels warm, steady, and reciprocal. It’s selfless and supportive.

It’s not too much to want a partner who offers that kind of love. In fact, it’s exactly what you should expect. And maybe that starts with redefining what feels normal to you—challenging the belief that you have to work for love, that you have to settle for less than you deserve.

Because at the end of the day, who you choose is a reflection of them and a reflection of how you see yourself. And you’re worth choosing someone who reflects the best of who you are.