You think you’re just being nice. Helpful. Easy to get along with. The kind of person who always shows up, never complains, and keeps the peace. Everyone loves you—right? Except you’re exhausted. Secretly bitter.

I’ve been there. As a recovering people pleaser, I used to think I was just generous–the glue in every group, the fixer, the loyal one. But that kind of giving can turn into a trap. You start calling it kindness when it’s actually fear. A way to earn love, avoid rejection, dodge conflict. You say “yes” when you mean “no.” You help when you’re burning out. And then you wonder why no one gives back.

That’s not generosity. That’s bargaining. And it took me a long time to see the difference.

In many ways, chronic people-pleasing is a survival strategy. Tolerating behavior that doesn’t sit right with you, all while hoping—consciously or not—that your effort will be reciprocated. But when the other person fails to respond with the gratitude, change, or commitment that you secretly hoped for, it stings. And then comes the confusion. You were being kind. Why does it feel so bad?

Giving vs. Sacrificing, What’s the Difference, Really?

Giving is a free act. You do it because you want to, because it aligns with your values, because it feels right, even if it’s hard. A lot of what we call “giving” isn’t giving at all. It’s a transaction. But you know deep inside you’re not really giving when it leaves you feeling guilty, obligated, resentful, or bad.

Not that giving a piece of yourself: your time, energy, voice, needs is a bad thing. But when you do it hoping for approval or connection, you’re more likely to end up feeling used, overlooked, or invisible. You might even end up giving more, thinking it will fix things. And you feel even worse. That cycle isn’t generosity, it’s self-erasure.

To be clear, sacrifice isn’t inherently bad. Life is full of it. Parents make sacrifices for their children. Partners adjust for one another. We give up some things to gain others. But sacrifice becomes unhealthy when it’s tied to self-abandonment, when you consistently override your needs in the hopes of controlling outcomes or avoiding discomfort.

This dynamic tends to surface in all kinds of relationships. Sooner or later, the system crashes. You wake up and realize you’ve built a life around everyone else’s expectations. That realization is sobering. Still, it’s scary. Because setting boundaries as a recovering people pleaser can feel like being mean. Like being selfish. Like risking rejection.

Making Peace With Disappointment

Psychologically, pleasing people is often linked to early experiences of conditional love. You learned that love and safety came with performance—being helpful, agreeable, low-maintenance. Let’s be honest, many of us have done things for others that we hoped would eventually pay off.

Have you loaned money you couldn’t afford to lose, even though it stretches your budget, and then feel hurt when they don’t pay you back or offer support when you’re in need? Have you gone above and beyond at work, expecting recognition or a promotion, and end up feeling unseen? Have you listened endlessly to someone who never asks how we’re doing?

We’ve given affection, favors, time, even sex, sometimes not because we truly wanted to, but because we hoped it would be enough to make them stay, commit, change.

That’s not your fault. But as an adult, that’s a hard pill to swallow.

One of the hardest parts of breaking this cycle is learning to tolerate someone else’s disappointment. Especially when that person is used to you being the one who never says no. But disappointing someone doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, it forces a shift. It asks you to stop seeing yourself solely as the underappreciated giver and start asking harder questions like “Why do I feel responsible for other people’s feelings?” “What am I afraid will happen if I stop overextending?” “Where did I learn that love has to be earned this way?”

This is tough for someone who has an uncontrollable desire to do something for someone that the other person didn’t agree to or ask for. That’s why it stings so much.

Learning How to Show Up for Others Without Disappearing in the Process

More often than not, once people realize this, they sometimes swing in the opposite direction. Walls go up. Every interaction starts to feel suspicious. You start thinking: Nobody’s ever going to take advantage of me again. And fair enough—that’s the burnout talking. That’s what happens after years of ignoring your own boundaries, they come roaring back in all-or-nothing mode.

But setting boundaries shouldn’t be about punishing others. Boundaries are set to protect your energy and preserve your self-respect. They’re not walls, they’re fences with gates. You get to decide who comes in and under what conditions. And you don’t have to worry about how it affects your loved ones because relationships (only the ones built on mutual respect) can survive your honesty.

Even if it still feels scary, (because setting boundaries as a recovering people pleaser can have you feeling like you’re mean, or risking rejection). Just remember that every time you say yes to something that costs you your peace, you’re bargaining. And worse, it’s dishonest—both to them and to yourself.

Choosing to Give Freely

When you give from a place of wholeness, you don’t need to chase validation or tally up points. You don’t need to hope they notice, or expect them to return the favor. You’re not left with the emotional hangover of guilt or resentment.
Sometimes you have to ask the right questions to get the answers. If giving leaves you feeling bad, it’s worth asking:

What do I really want here? Am I trying to earn something I could ask for directly? Am I hoping to be seen, to be chosen, to avoid conflict?

These questions give more clarity and clues on how to work through some of these issues. Everyone has needs, so you’re not bad for having needs. You’re not selfish for wanting mutual respect. And you’re not a loser if you’re tired of over-giving.