In the 1950s, the psychoanalyst Karen Horney described the narcissist not as someone who simply loves themselves too much, but as someone desperately hiding a wounded self-image beneath a curated facade. “The pride of the narcissist,” she wrote, “is not genuine self-love, but a need to be superior in order to feel worthy.”
What Horney understood then, and modern psychology confirms now, is that narcissists rarely express their hostility directly. Doing so would mean vulnerability, something they spend their lives avoiding. Instead, they lean on a more evasive strategy: passive aggression.

If you’ve ever had a partner who gave you the silent treatment for days after a minor disagreement, or a boss who “forgets” to CC you on an important project after you spoke up in a meeting, then you’ve felt the sting of passive aggression. It’s hard to prove and easy to dismiss.

But it’s not harmless. And if you’re dealing with it chronically, especially from someone narcissistic, it can deeply affect your mental health.

What Passive Aggression Really Means

Passive aggression is often described as “indirect hostility.” It includes behaviors like subtle digs, backhanded compliments, strategic procrastination, and deliberate exclusion. The behavior avoids confrontation while still expressing anger, resentment, or dominance.
The difficult part is the intention behind passive aggression, it’s often plausibly deniable. The person can shrug and say, “I didn’t mean it like that,” or “You’re reading too much into it.” That’s what makes it so destabilizing and it leaves you second-guessing your own instincts.

According to a review published in Psychiatric Clinics of North America, passive-aggressive behavior often stems from an inability or unwillingness to express negative emotions directly. This is especially common among people with narcissistic tendencies, who struggle with shame, insecurity, and fear of being seen as weak.
They won’t say, “I’m angry with you.” Instead, they’ll ignore your calls. Or cancel at the last minute. Or post a cryptic social media message that just happens to mirror your recent conflict, it’s a form of emotional control.

Why Narcissists Lean on Passive Aggression

There’s a pattern: narcissists when provoked rely on passive aggression to maintain control without taking accountability. Direct confrontation puts their self-image at risk. So instead, they undermine others from behind the scenes.

Psychologists often separate narcissists into two broad types:

Grandiose narcissists, who project superiority and charm but erupt when their status is questioned.

Vulnerable narcissists, who are sensitive, easily wounded, and more likely to use covert tactics like guilt-tripping or silent treatment.

Both types often fear rejection or criticism. When their ego is bruised—even slightly—they may react with subtle acts of sabotage. It’s a defensive maneuver designed to protect their fragile self-image by placing you in the role of the aggressor.

What Passive Aggression Look Like

Sometimes it’s obvious. Other times, it builds over time. Here are common signs:

Strategic forgetfulness: Agreeing to help, then “forgetting” when it matters most.

Sarcasm with bite: “Wow, you’re early for once,” or “You look great… I didn’t recognize you.”

Exclusion: Withholding affection, ghosting, or leaving you out of plans or group chats.

Gossip and triangulation: Talking behind your back to mutual friends but staying cordial to your face.

Chronic delay: Repeatedly failing to complete tasks or follow through on responsibilities, especially when you depend on them.

Alone, each act might seem small. But repeated over time, passive aggression can leave you emotionally worn down and questioning your reality.

The Psychological Impact

Research shows that repeated exposure to passive-aggressive behavior can cause distress, low self esteem and anxiety similar to more overt forms of hostility. A 2012 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that workplace incivility—including passive-aggressive behavior—contributed to emotional exhaustion, anxiety, and decreased job satisfaction.

For those raised in emotionally manipulative environments, this behavior can trigger past trauma. You might feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You may try harder to please the person, only to be met with more coldness. Over time, this trains you to suppress your needs and anticipate theirs—a dynamic that can lead to chronic self-doubt and people-pleasing.

How to Protect Yourself

If you’re on the receiving end of passive aggression from a narcissist, here’s what psychologists recommend:

1. First of all, don’t take the bait

Passive-aggression thrives on emotional reaction. If you start doubting yourself, pause. Ask: Is this really about me or are they projecting their insecurity onto me?
You are not responsible for their emotional regulation.

2. Set firm boundaries

Avoid playing the guessing game. Call out the behavior calmly and directly. You might say, “When you cancel plans without notice, I feel disrespected. I’d prefer if we communicate more clearly next time.” Or Instead of reacting with anger, respond with clarity. Try:
“I’m open to resolving this when you’re ready to talk respectfully.”

You don’t need to justify your limits. You just need to hold them. This doesn’t guarantee change but it does set a line. It also signals to the narcissist that you won’t silently absorb their indirect hostility.

3. Practice emotional detachment

If they bait you with sarcasm or guilt-trips, stay neutral. One effective method is called “grey rocking” responding in the dullest, most nonreactive way possible. It robs the narcissist of the emotional fuel they seek. Instead of reacting to their digs, you respond with “Noted” or “Okay.”
When they say, “Nice of you to finally show up,” just say:
“Yes.”

You don’t argue or defend. You serve them indifference.

4. Document everything (especially at work)

If you’re dealing with passive-aggression professionally, keep a record. Save emails. Write down incidents. That way, if you need to go to HR or management, you have clear, factual evidence.

5. Focus on your own wellbeing

Passive aggression is meant to throw you off balance. So you have to reclaim your center. Whether it’s journaling, moving your body, or simply spending time with people who energize you, remind yourself that you are not the problem. Their behavior reflects their own unprocessed emotions.

6. Strengthen your support system

Passive aggression can isolate you. Keep a close circle of people who reflect your reality back to you.

A trusted friend or therapist can help you process what’s happening and affirm that you’re not imagining it. Narcissistic manipulation can be disorienting. You need people who can reflect your reality back to you, clearly and kindly.
If the narcissist is a parent or partner, therapy can help you untangle the guilt that keeps you stuck.

If Distance Isn’t an Option

It’s one thing to deal with a narcissistic acquaintance. It’s another to live with one. Or work under one. Or share children with one.
In those cases, you don’t always get to walk away and create clean distance. That’s when resistance becomes your lifeline. Document everything. Get support outside the relationship. Set small, non-negotiable boundaries. And most of all, don’t get drawn into proving yourself. They want your reaction more than your reasoning. Don’t try to “fix” them. Don’t wait for validation. And don’t internalize their behavior as your fault. What you can control is your response, your boundaries, and your healing. As Viktor Frankl once said,

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”

Reclaiming your peace

Yes, passive-aggression can feel like death by a thousand cuts. But healing begins when you stop explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.

You know that saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” it’s time to pay more attention to that. Not every slight needs a response. Not every provocation deserves your energy. But every time you stand firm, choose peace, and protect your space—you take a little bit of power back.

Not from them. But for yourself.