Think back to how money was treated in your home growing up. Was it a constant topic of stress, whispered about only behind closed doors? Or maybe it wasn’t talked about at all, as if silence could shield you from its power. Sadly, the way money was introduced to us in childhood doesn’t fade away, it shapes how we save, spend, and even how we feel when we check our bank account today.
The same attachment theory that explains our relationships with people can also explain our relationship with money. As Khara Croswaite Brindle, a licensed financial therapist, explains: “Our attachment to money is typically rooted in the money beliefs we grew up with.”
For some, that means anxiously checking balances every day, convinced disaster is around the corner. For others, it means avoiding bills altogether, hoping the stress will disappear if ignored long enough. Neither is truly about numbers, it’s about security, fear, and the stories we’ve carried with us for years.
Before we can change those patterns, we first have to name them. Below are the four common money attachment styles, and what they might mean for your financial life.
The Four Money Attachment Styles
- Anxious Attachment
If you find yourself constantly worried about whether you have “enough,” you may fall into this category. People with anxious money attachment often come from households where scarcity was a theme—hearing phrases like “money doesn’t grow on trees” or “we can’t afford that.”
This can lead to strict, detailed budgets, an obsession with saving, and even physical symptoms like tense muscles or sleepless nights over financial concerns. While this style can drive disciplined saving, it often comes with unnecessary stress and an inability to enjoy spending without guilt.
- Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Some people take the opposite approach: they ignore money altogether. If you avoid checking your statements or “go numb” when money is discussed, this may be your style. People with dismissive-avoidant attachment often think, “I don’t want to deal with this right now,” which can lead to late bills, missed opportunities for raises, or staying underpaid, undercharged for their services in business because asking for more feels uncomfortable.
This can also lead to what’s called “noble poverty” putting yourself in financial stress for the sake of others, like keeping your prices low to avoid upsetting customers even when you’re struggling to make ends meet. While the intention is selfless, the outcome can be damaging.
- Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
This style, sometimes called disorganized, shows up as a push-pull pattern with money. One week, you stick to a budget with laser focus; the next, you throw it out the window and spend impulsively. It’s like driving with one foot on the gas and the other on the brake.
Croswaite Brindle describes it this way: “One minute, I have a structured budget; the next, I’m tossing it out for a spontaneous trip.” This cycle is common because money involves both logic and emotions. And when emotions clash, behaviors swing back and forth. This back-and-forth usually reflects deeper anxiety. Saving feels safe, but when it becomes too rigid or restrictive, it triggers rebellion in the form of impulsive spending.
- Secure Attachment
This is the healthiest style. People with secure attachment to money view it as a tool—important, but not defining. They may not have everything they want, but they accept their financial reality without letting it control their emotions.
They’re able to save and spend in balance, adapt to setbacks, and focus on long-term stability without being ruled by fear or avoidance. In other words, money serves them, rather than the other way around.
How to Identify Your Money Attachment Style
Sometimes the signs are obvious, you may already know if you’re anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between. Other times, it helps to ask yourself reflective questions:
- How was money discussed in your childhood home?
- What feelings surface when you look at your bank account?
- Do you tend to save excessively, avoid financial talk, or bounce between extremes?
Patterns often reveal themselves over time—like weeks of frugality followed by sudden splurges. Paying attention to these cycles can help you recognize where you fall.
Moving Toward a Secure Money Attachment
“The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” Samuel Johnson
Recognizing your money attachment style is the first step to breaking those chains. A secure relationship with money doesn’t happen overnight, but with awareness, consistency, and compassion toward yourself, it’s possible to turn fear into confidence. Even if you recognize anxious or avoidant traits in yourself, there are ways to build a healthier relationship with money:
- Get curious about your emotions. Journal about your beliefs and fears around money.
- Reframe beliefs. Practice statements like, “I control my money; it doesn’t control me.”
- Have regular money check-ins. Schedule time each week or month to review finances, celebrate small wins, and note areas to improve.
- Seek guidance. Financial therapy or books like Feel Good Finance by Aja Evans can offer support.
Croswaite Brindle even suggests a symbolic exercise: writing a “breakup letter” to money, followed by a letter where money responds as a supportive partner. It may sound unusual, but exercises like these help shift money from an enemy to an ally. Once that happens, finances stop being the storm that shakes your life, and start becoming the steady ground beneath it.
