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When it comes to relationships, everyone seems to be obsessed with red flags. Is my partner a narcissist? Are they emotionally unavailable? Are they gaslighting me? It makes sense, we want to protect ourselves. No one wants to end up in a relationship that leaves them feeling neglected or manipulated. But there are two key issues with all these red-flag obsession. First, the absence of bad traits (red flags) doesn’t guarantee the presence of good ones. Just because someone isn’t toxic doesn’t mean they’re a great partner. Second, you probably won’t see red flags show up, especially in the early stages of dating, when everyone is on their best behavior (especially the types of people most likely to hurt you later on. And let’s be honest, narcissists are particularly good at charm).

What am I driving at? 

Yes, watching out for red flags is important, but maybe what’s even more important is paying attention to what should be present. In other words, learn the green flags. Because when you understand what a supportive, and loving relationship actually looks like, it’s much easier to spot what’s missing. And you’ll be far less likely to mistake a counterfeit version for the real one. And isn’t that the goal? to recognize?

 

1. They are trustworthy

If you were making a list of essential traits for a healthy relationship, trustworthiness wouldn’t just be on it, it would be at the top. Because without trust, nothing else really matters.

What makes someone trustworthy?

They follow through. First, they do what they say they’re going to do. Their words and actions align. They don’t flake, make empty promises, or shift blame when things go wrong. If they say they’ll be there, they show up. If they make a mistake (because, of course, we all do), they don’t scramble for excuses or shift the blame. They own it. They apologize. And most importantly, they learn from it. That’s maturity. That’s integrity.

Honesty Is More Than Just Not Lying

A trustworthy person doesn’t have to share every detail of their past or every fleeting thought in their head. But they also don’t operate in secrecy. They don’t deliberately withhold information, hide things, or make you second-guess what’s real. More importantly, trust isn’t just about fidelity. It’s security, having confidence that this person cares. That when you need them, they’ll show up. That if you reach for them, they’ll be there. That you matter to them in a way that isn’t conditional or convenient.

But if something feels off and if your instincts tell you that they’re dodging the truth or notice that deception lingers in the gaps between their words… you’re probably right.

Trust Is Built in the Small Moments

A relationship doesn’t become strong because two people simply decide to be together for a long time. It’s built—or broken—in the smallest moments, it’s built when your partner doesn’t just assume you’re fine, but actually checks in:

“Hey, is there anything I can do this week to help you feel valued and prioritized?“

Many of us have never even heard a question like that. But that’s what love actually sounds like. It sounds like intentionality, curiosity, and effort.

The Difference Between Reassurance and Insecurity

Asking these types of questions doesn’t make you anxious or  people-pleasing, but that doesn’t mean you should freak out unnecessarily. There’s difference between building trust and begging for it. Constantly checking in with“Are we okay? Do you still like me? Please don’t leave me, I ’ll do anything.” 

That’s not love, that’s fear. Love isn’t frantic but it’s knowing that you can turn to your partner and say, “If something is wrong, I want to be a safe place where you can share.” isn’t trust-building, it’s anxiety-driven. And that energy is suffocating. Real trust isn’t about clinging to someone, it’s about creating a dynamic where neither of you has to.

That’s how trust is built.

The strongest relationships don’t just happen because two people want to be together. They happen because two people work to stay connected. And that work looks like mutual sacrifice, mutual respect, and the ability to be emotionally safe spaces for each other. Ignoring that work is what weakens a relationship—not time, not stress, not even outside temptation.

People love to say, “We just fell out of love.” But maybe they didn’t fall out of love, they never actually built it. They had chemistry, passion. Maybe they even had a great sex life. But they didn’t have trust or emotional safety. And a relationship built on anything less is always one crisis away from falling apart.

Years together don’t guarantee connection. Connection is something you protect against resentment, complacency, and against the slow drift of disconnection that happens when trust is neglected instead of nurtured.

 

2. They Communicate Honestly 

When we think about attraction, we often go straight to the obvious: chemistry, looks, and spark. But what truly determines whether a connection has staying power isn’t just how someone looks or makes you feel, it’s how they communicate. Also in the early stages of dating, we’re tuned into the emotional atmosphere: how they listen, how they respond, how comfortable things feel when the conversation moves beyond surface-level chatter. 

That matters.

But what matters even more is this: someone who genuinely engages, asks thoughtful questions not to pass time but to understand you. It’s someone who can talk to you openly about what they consider disrespectful in a relationship. What’s their definition of commitment? How do they prefer to handle conflict? What boundaries matter to them? These aren’t mere theoretical questions, they’re the foundation of how a relationship will function in the long run. I know this is easier said than done, it’s easy to avoid these deeper talks early on, fearing they’ll create distance. But the opposite is true. Setting the tone for open, honest communication early prevents disconnection later. If bringing up your needs scares someone off, that’s not your person. No one else is going to define how you should be treated (that’s your job). And the right partner will listen, respect, and respond in a way that makes you feel safe, not silenced.

Speaking of communication. We all love humor, but the kind of humor someone uses—and how they use it—can tell you a lot. Are they playful without being cruel? Can they laugh at themselves, or do they only dish it out? A person who can joke without making you the punchline is someone who understands the balance between fun and respect.

The way someone treats others in moments of conflict is often a preview of how they’ll handle tough conversations with you.

Oh, and what about how they handle conflict? One of the best ways to predict how someone will handle disagreements in a relationship is to watch how they handle disagreements, not just with you but with anyone—a friend, coworker or a stranger. How do they talk about politics, religion, or any deeply held belief? Can they disagree respectfully, or do they get defensive, dismissive, or even condescending? Pay attention, because one day, that energy is coming your way.

 

3. They Have a Life Outside of  Relationship 

At the start of a romance, there’s an intoxicating desire to be consumed by each other. The longing to be adored, pursued, even obsessed over, that’s understandable. But if someone doesn’t make you the center of their universe from day one, consider this: that might actually be a good thing.

In an era hyper-aware of narcissism, avoidant, you name it, we’ve been trained to watch for red flags—none brighter than love bombing: The grand, sweeping gestures, the immediate confessions of unparalleled connection. The whispers of twin flames as they slowly edge you away from your support system. And yet, if you truly want to avoid falling into the orbit of someone who thrives on control, the antidote is not only vigilance, it’s  also preserving your own life outside the relationship.

This doesn’t mean withholding affection or playing games, but recognizing that a healthy connection is built on two whole individuals, not one person surrendering their world to orbit another. It’s a green flag when both partners maintain their friendships, ambitions, and daily routines. Do they have close, meaningful relationships outside of you? Do their colleagues respect them? Do you feel at ease in their world? These are the questions that matter far more than how quickly they profess undying love.

I know this runs counter to the popular common manipulation tactics and calculated detachment peddled around the internet today: withhold compliments, never initiate, and keep your distance to spark desire. Although this idea is more sold to men as confidence, but in truth, it’s pretense.  

And yes, sometimes it works, but only works on those still healing from past wounds or people who mistake emotional unavailability for mystery. The outcome of such tactics is a short-lived chase, not a lasting relationship. Because a feigned indifference might spark attraction, it never sustains connection.

What does? Independence. A strong sense of self. A partner with purpose in and beyond the relationship. It’s undeniably attractive to be with someone who doesn’t need you to feel whole—someone who has passions, goals, and a life they’ve built for themselves. 

Of course, this balance isn’t always easy. There’s a fine line between independence and emotional unavailability, between ambition and neglect. Some people become so consumed by their careers or personal projects that they have little or no time left for loved ones. That might not be for everyone, and that’s okay.

What’s worth remembering is this, love is not about possession, nor is it about proving your worth to someone who remains emotionally distant. The strongest relationships are not built on the rush of obsession, but on the confidence of two people who could stand alone and yet choose every day to be together.

 

4. They Have Accountability

Obviously, the honeymoon is when couples experience intense emotions and feelings of euphoria, so it’s normal they treat you well in the beginning. Narcissists, especially, are experts at making a dazzling first impression. They can charm, flatter, and make you feel like the most important person in the room. But even the most skilled manipulators struggle to fake one key trait, accountability.

A healthy partner can admit when they’ve made a mistake. They can say, without deflection or manipulation, I’m sorry. And not the diluted versions—I’m sorry you feel that way or I’m sorry you took it that way—by way of shifting the blame onto you. A real apology sounds more like: I’m sorry I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention, but I care about how my words and actions affect you. Can we talk about this?

Accountability is a green flag that’s easy to overlook—partly because, in the early stages of dating, there isn’t much to apologize for. But listen carefully. Have you ever heard them genuinely take responsibility for anything, even in small ways? A mature person owns their mistakes, learns from them, and grows. An immature person (especially one with narcissistic tendencies) finds a way to twist every situation so that responsibility lands anywhere but on them.

The truth is, everyone messes up. But the green flag of accountability isn’t perfection, it’s the ability to reflect, take responsibility, and do better. Because in the long run, love isn’t about avoiding conflict, it’s how you handle it when it inevitably arrives.

 

5. They Have Empathy and Care For You 

Empathy is one of those relationship qualities that everyone claims to have but far fewer people actually practice. It’s one thing to feel for someone, it’s another to try to understand them. A person who can validate your experiences, and acknowledge your emotions as real is someone who can build genuine intimacy. A narcissist, by contrast, has no real interest in doing that.

At the core of most relationship struggles is not just conflict, but disconnection. And disconnection almost always stems from a lack of empathy—one or both partners failing to truly see the other. Empathy doesn’t dismiss, doesn’t deflect. It gets curious. It asks, What led you to feel that way? What meaning did you give that? What do you need from me to repair this and feel close again? 

These aren’t easy questions, especially when you might be the source of the hurt. But still, they’re important.

And there’s a big difference between performative empathy and the real one. A person who says, “Yeah, I know what you’re going through,” might mean well, but they’re centering themselves. Real empathy sounds more like, I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I can see that you’re in pain, and that matters to me. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk. It makes space. It doesn’t rush to fix or explain away. It simply stays.

A relationship without empathy is just two people talking to each other. A relationship with empathy is  where true connection is built. Love without empathy feels distant and hollow. But with it, love has the power to heal, to connect, and to last.

 

6. They’re not Afraid to be Vulnerable Sometimes 

If there’s one thing someone (especially narcissist) rarely fakes, it’s true vulnerability. They might share just enough to appear open, giving anecdotes designed to elicit sympathy, or a carefully curated hardship from their past—but unguarded self-reflection is much harder to counterfeit.

Can they talk about their fears, their needs, their insecurities? Can they acknowledge their flaws, not just in a self-deprecating way but with a genuine desire to grow? A person who is emotionally mature doesn’t just want to be understood by others, they also seek to understand themselves. Narcissists, on the other hand, often avoid that kind of introspection altogether.

Of course, you shouldn’t be spilling your deepest secrets on a first date. Oversharing too soon feels more like emotional unloading, and that’s not attractive to anyone. But in a relationship that’s moving toward something real, you should be able to express your inner world honestly, safely, and without fear of judgment. And remember, another  green flag in a relationship isn’t someone who only listens to your vulnerabilities, it’s also someone who trusts you with theirs.

 

7. They’re Supportive and Celebrate Your Achievements 

One of the most telling signs of a healthy relationship is deceptively simple: 

does your partner celebrate your success? Not tolerate it, not downplay it, but do they genuinely cheer for you when you win? 

That’s the thing about insecure people, their need for control and validation is so fragile that they can’t allow space for anyone else’s success. 

A narcissist also really struggles with this, because admiration—at least when directed at someone else—doesn’t come naturally to them. When you land the promotion, hit a personal milestone, or achieve a goal you’ve worked toward for years, pay close attention to how your partner reacts. A secure partner will say, I’m so happy for you. You worked hard for this. You deserve it. But an insecure person praises comes with an asterisk: Great job, but you never would have accomplished that without me.

 A person who can’t celebrate your success without centering themselves is quietly telling you something: that your accomplishments feel like a threat. That their self-worth depends on keeping you small. And if you grew up hearing these kinds of deflection ( if a parent, a sibling, or a past partner made your victories feel like something to apologize for ) then I hope you know this: their response was never about you. It was about their own shame, fear, insecurity, and their own unhealed wounds bleeding into your life.

Real love doesn’t keep score or hoard validation like a finite resource. A partner who genuinely supports you will celebrate your wins, not as a threat to their own worth, but as proof of yours. And that’s a green flag worth holding onto.

 

8. They Respect You 

Does your partner see you as their equal? Do they see you as someone on the same level with no power imbalance involved? 

If they do, your relationship won’t be built on dominance. There won’t be power plays, condescension, or disrespect disguised as “just how they are.” You won’t be spoken down to, dismissed, or made to feel small. They won’t call you names, steamroll over your boundaries, or touch you when you don’t want to be touched.

People who crave dominance have no problem putting you down,but they would never tolerate the same treatment from you. That’s the dynamic to watch out for. The moment you catch yourself thinking, I’d never get away with talking to them like that, that’s not just a red flag, it’s a full stop sign. And if you don’t address it early, it will become a pattern.

Too often, people stay silent. Maybe because of past trauma. Maybe because they’ve been conditioned to shrink themselves in the presence of domineering personalities. But I’ll say this plainly: there is no place for dominance, superiority, or disrespect in a healthy relationship. And if the idea of setting boundaries or voicing your needs feels frightening, that’s not something to ignore, that’s something to unpack, ideally with a professional who can help.

Mutual Respect Isn’t Optional

Respect means treating your partner the way you’d want to be treated, as someone valuable, worthy of kindness, and deserving of consideration. Do they make an effort to learn about your preferences, your values, your emotional needs? Do they care about your boundaries—whether in intimacy, conflict, or daily life?

Self-centered people rarely ask these questions, but love and self-centeredness can’t coexist. A true partnership feels like a team, one where you check in with each other, where domestic labor is shared, where stress levels and emotional needs aren’t ignored. A green flag is when your partner is humble enough to ask: Hey, how are you feeling? Are you overwhelmed? Do you feel appreciated? Would you even feel comfortable telling me if you didn’t?

Additionally, a partner who invites honesty—even when it might be uncomfortable for them to hear—is a partner who actually values emotional safety. This doesn’t mean giving someone a free pass to lash out at you, nor is it an invitation to tolerate disrespect. But it does mean creating an environment where both of you can speak freely, without fear of punishment or withdrawal. If someone punishes you for expressing your needs, they were never planning to respect them in the first place.

Watch How They Treat Others

A simple but effective test of someone’s character is watching how they treat people who can do nothing for them. The waiter, the receptionist, the stranger on the street. Do they extend basic decency, or do they wield power when they think no one’s watching?

And when they talk about their past relationships, do they take any accountability? Or is every ex a crazy villain in their personal narrative? Because if they’ve never reflected on their own role in past relationships, guess what? One day, you’ll just be another name in that story.

This is another reason why you should assert your boundaries and needs early on, it’s by far the best way to weed out narcissists and manipulators. A narcissist hates when you assert yourself because they don’t care about connection, they care about control. And if you refuse to be controlled, they’ll move on. It might sting in the moment but in the long run that’s not a loss. That’s a blessing in disguise.

 

9. They’re Self Aware and Take Steps Toward Becoming Better

It’s a green flag when someone has a growth mindset, (not in their career, though ambition and a strong work ethic certainly matters). Do they care about growing as a person? Becoming more self-aware, emotionally mature, and capable of real connection? Because if there’s one thing that consistently derails relationships, it’s a lack of self-awareness. 

So many people never develop the ability or the desire to reflect on their own emotions, behaviors, and patterns. And if you can’t connect with yourself, how are you supposed to stay connected with someone else? If you habitually dismiss your own feelings, it’s only natural that, in conflict, you’ll dismiss your partner’s too. And nothing wears down a relationship faster than that.

 

The Work of Awareness

So how do you become self-aware? By learning to pause and reflect. By asking the uncomfortable questions: Why was I so defensive just now? What was I actually feeling—overlooked, blamed, unappreciated? How did I express that? Did I shut down, lash out, get passive-aggressive? What did I really need at that moment, and did I communicate that—or was I too afraid it would lead to another fight?

Becoming a Safe Space for Each Other

If this kind of self-inquiry feels foreign, you’re not alone. Most of us weren’t raised in environments where emotional awareness was taught, let alone encouraged. Many of us weren’t taught how to express needs without fear, how to listen without defensiveness, withdrawal or escalation. But what happened to us isn’t our fault, healing from it is our responsibility. And the people who refuse to do the work and never examine their own destructive defaults (like contempt, defensiveness, shutting down, invalidation) are the ones who repeat the same patterns, over and over, until the relationship breaks under the weight of them.

Prioritizing Growth Over Perfection

To be clear, a person with a growth mindset isn’t perfect. The point is to handle  hard conversations with care. To look beneath complaints and frustrations for the unmet needs they’re really about, and to acknowledge when something isn’t working and put in the effort to change it. If you hurt your partner (whether through harsh words, avoidance, or emotional withdrawal) you don’t get defensive. You take responsibility and realize that love isn’t about being right all the time, but being better.

A healthy relationship isn’t one without conflict. It’s one where conflict deepens trust rather than destroying it. Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on relationships, suggests a 5 to 1 ratio—five positive interactions (affection, admiration, appreciation) for every one negative—that one negative interaction is still crucial. Negative emotions, when expressed vulnerably and respectfully, is essential for growth. You just have to recognize the hurt beneath a complaint, and the unmet need beneath frustration.

This Points Back to Accountability 

And when you do mess up, because you will, don’t apologize just to smooth things over. You take accountability for the impact of your words and actions. 

It’s a green flag when someone asks thoughtful questions instead of dismissing or deflecting. When they validate your feelings as real, even if they don’t necessarily agree with every detail. That doesn’t mean you or your partner should start apologizing for something you didn’t do, or validating accusations that aren’t true. It just simply means taking responsibility for any unintentional hurt. For example, it may sounds like this:

“I’m sorry. I can see that what I said about you earlier hurt you. That wasn’t my intention, but I understand why you felt that way. Thank you for telling me.”

And then? You change. Because the best apology is changed behavior.