The term “people-pleaser” is so common nowadays, but do we really understand how deep this behavior runs? People-pleasing is more than being nice or saying “sorry” too much, it’s a pattern of putting others’ needs ahead of your own, even to your own detriment. Maybe it’s as small as ordering what someone else prefers or as big as staying silent about your own pain to avoid inconveniencing others.
It makes no sense, but for a people-pleaser, every decision is filtered through a need not to “be a problem” for others—even at the cost of being a problem for yourself. Ironically, people respect those who respect their own needs, qualities that people-pleasers often struggle with. And people-pleasing rarely leads to the respect or connection it aims to build. That’s why you should start focusing on yourself, building boundaries, and understanding your own needs.
It’s okay to give yourself a break. It’s not your responsibility to accommodate everyone or make sure everyone else is comfortable. You don’t have to overcompensate. Everyone can support each other, and it doesn’t need to be just you.
This urge to please others can also stem from a need for approval. Somewhere along the line, we start believing that people value us for what we do, not who we are. Unfortunately, this can make people-pleasers easy targets for those who take advantage. That’s why it’s so important to start respecting your boundaries and understand your needs.
Want to explore tips on how to focus on yourself and live a freer life? Here are 5 ways to start.
01
Write Your Thoughts Down
If you’re not sure what steps to take next, try writing things down. Journaling can help you sort through your thoughts, and here are a few questions to get you started:
- What’s one small thing you can do for yourself today?
- What makes you feel relaxed or calm?
- Are there times you ignored what you needed and later regretted it? Why didn’t you listen to yourself?
- What do you wish others understood about you?
- How do you feel when you don’t respect your own needs?
- What would you do if you weren’t worried about what others think?
You can use both physical and digital journal to do your journaling, and looking through your answers over and over again can give you new insights and help you feel more confident in yourself. There are times when you stopped attending to your needs, getting it down helps you review these moments. Journaling helped me recognize when my thoughts were taking a negative turn, and it showed me when I needed to step back and refocus. It can do the same for you.
02
Consider Therapy or Confide in Someone You Trust
Not everyone likes the idea of seeing a therapist because we feel we can rely on ourselves, but admitting you need help outside of yourself can help you achieve the long-term healing you need. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s time you give others a chance to be there for you too.
Yes, several researchers appraise journaling, and I also swear by journaling, but you can dispute the fact that there are some things that you can’t learn solely by introspection because it’s all within your knowledge. But seeing a therapist or confiding in a friend can help you realize parts about yourself and life that you couldn’t have understood on your own. With therapy, taking this huge step can give the leap you need to become more hopeful about life, more confident, and more at peace.
03
Only You Can Know What You Want, and Only You Can Give It the Importance It Deserves
Making space for yourself isn’t wrong, it’s necessary for a balanced, happier life.
Making space for you, doesn’t mean you’re selfish or rude. All you have to do is give yourself the same understanding and patience you give to others to make a huge difference in your well-being.
Start paying more attention to yourself, value your own choices, decisions, and feelings in the same way you value those of others. The more you prioritize yourself and set healthy boundaries, the more you stop allowing others to walk over you or treat you unfairly. Be free, be honest about what you feel and need, rather than living up to others’ expectations.
04
Let Go of Guilt
As I pointed before, people-pleasing comes from a feeling that we have to make others happy. People-pleasers usually aren’t happy themselves—deep down they feel insecure. And it’s different for everyone. For me, It was always the fear of disappointing others, and in some ways, I still am. But now, I remind myself that as long as I treat people kindly and with respect, I have the right to make my own choices without feeling guilty. And so do you.
Your life is yours, and mine is mine. We weren’t born to live under the weight of what others expect from us, or even what we imagine they expect. It’s not that others expect so much from us, we just take it on ourselves anyway. You’re not a bad person for wanting to enjoy your life, for choosing what feels right for you, or for not always worrying about what others think. You deserve this freedom. And when you do start to focus on yourself, you’ll be strong enough to be there for others.
05
Know When to Say No
Many problems happen because we alway feel the need to say yes. You’re not under force to accept. I know how hard it is to say no to people even when I know I should. But you have to. Whenever someone asks you for something, but it conflicts with your personal plans, it’s okay to say no.
Just in case, whenever you feel the need to say yes to requests immediately try out this small but effective exercise;
Pause, do not reply instantly, and instead remind yourself that you’re not obligated or forced to accept every request. Take a little time to think about whether it actually works for you. You’ll probably feel a lot lighter once you give yourself that space. Then, you can decide on your answer.
